11. The Relative Uselessness of Classroom French #2: SLANG

While numbers and question words will get you far in the world of restaurants and soldes, real French people do not actually use the vocabulary you learned in 101.  Many Americans proudly declare themselves to be the creators of improper grammar and words never seen in Merriam-Webster’s, but this is a misconception.  The French are just as talented at breaking rules and spouting vulgar expressions.

For some reason, this is not the français they teach you in school. Yes, you know three different ways to politely greet your grandmother, but are unprepared for when creepy European men whistle and call you a meuf or ask you for a clope.

A brief dictionary of words and phrases you will actually hear on the streets of Lyon:

d’ac: short for d’accord or okay

bobo: literally “bourgeois-bohème,” basically a hipster

baba: retro, hippie

bagnole / caisse: car

boire un verre / un coup / un pot: to have a drink

branché: cool, with it

ca craint/c'est nul : That sucks

casse-toi: Get lost (Sarkozy spouted this one on national television)

chaud: tipsy, buzzed

con/conne: idiot

claquer: to blow money

clope / sèche: cigarette

débile: pathetic, stupid

flic / keuf / poulet: cop

flipper: to go crazy, flip out

fric / blé: money

frimer: to show off

impec: great, terrific

je m'en fous / Je m'en fiche: I don't care

kiffer: to like

un mec bien foutu: a hottie/muscular guy

mec / type / bonhomme / keum: guy, man

nana / nénette / minette / gonzesse / meuf: woman, girl, chick

et patati et patata: blah blah blah

putain: an all-purpose swear word

pote: mate, friend (guy)

raté: loser

reum: Verlan for mother
reup: Verlan for father

And, when in doubt, forget every grammar rule you ever learned.

5. The Relative Uselessness of Classroom French

After a week and a half, I have come to this conclusion: I completely and totally fail at real French. Yes, I can discuss Pierre et Jean with relative success and amuse small children with a rendition of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” en français. These fine accomplishments, however, have absolutely nothing to do with exchanging pleasantries with shopkeepers or asking how your neighbor’s kids are doing in school.

I find myself using phrases I learned the first week in French 101 and completely avoiding the subjunctive and the plus-que-parfait. My noun-adjective agreement has gone flying out the window. I must relearn a language of grammatical errors, interjections, and slang in a variety of accents spoken at the speed of light. It makes me wonder if we should even bother trying to “teach” ourselves foreign languages, but instead just throw ourselves into the fray of a different country and culture and just absorb.

Then again, the cliff-diving approach does seem a bit impractical and frightening. While your second year of French may not have taught you the verbal crutches you need to sound like a français, there was probably one chapter filled with useful food vocabulary and directions on how to conjugate “avoir.” So, in the true spirit of counter-arguments, I have provided a list of useful classroom French lessons to which you should pay close attention:

1.     Numbers: never underestimate the power of knowing the difference between 15 and 50—this could save you beaucoup de centimes AND aid you in your quest to become the perfect haggler.

2.     Ways to avoid using the subjunctive—hey, it’s one less conjugation pattern you need to memorize.

3.     Question words—the combination of who, what, when, where, and how and lots of descriptive hand gestures can get you a long way in the (hopefully) right direction.

4.     Useful phrases such as “Il y a” (There is), “c’est” (it’s), “beaucoup de choses” (many things), and “Qu’est-ce que c’est?” (What is it?)—Again, accompanied by the right gestures and facial expressions, these can get you far in the pastry shop.

5.     OF COURSE, you should always always be polite. “S’il vous plaît” and “merci” are musts in any circumstance.

And really, discussing Pierre et Jean is a start. You never know when you may need to draw upon 19^th century home décor vocabulary or describe the overall theme of your trip to the grocery store.